Back in school my Twin was total 80's.....Flock of Seagulls dress and make-up for a night out. She would've had the hair, too if the family wasn't so conservative and were weren't so *obedient*.
It was sweatshirts and Levi's for me...I liked it, and the few boys I dated didn't really seem to mind that much.
On the rare occasion I want to feel like a *girl*
I know just where to go....
Black Pumps.
Now that could be from all of those years of dress up, or the fact the only time I wore a dress in high school was for Concert Band (basic black), I don't know. I wore white pumps on my wedding day, but they didn't have the *OOOMPH* that the black ones do.
About 20 years ago I had an "event". I bought a pair of black suede pumps I could hardly walk in...but they looked GOOD.
...and it was a good weekend...
.... so several months ago when my daughter announced her engagement to be married *event*, the first thing that crossed my mind was BLACK PUMPS.....
I quit wearing heels that high years ago....when you are carting kids and babies to church (and church being the ONLY social outlet I had when the kids were little) you just automatically go flat.
....I mean you go to flat shoes.
You get comfortable. You get.....boring.
I was anxiously anticipating my shoe shopping day. I have already seen a few pairs I want.
I know just where to go.
Only my shoe shopping day was bumped up a few weeks....the butterflies that came with the excitement of wedding plans have been chased off by the hornets that fill your gut in the event someone you know passes away; untimely and unexpectedly.
Looking into the depths of my closet I was able to find a dated, gray business suit I could wear to the funeral.
If you read this blog, you know it. If you don't, go back a day or two and get caught up.
This week when I say "Thank God it's Friday", I am not joking. ...and when i say it, I am actually talking to the Creator:
This is how I picture Jesus...Buddy Jesus....and that is how I talk to Him. He hears it all, in beautiful technicolor......(for you youngin's, that would be like HDTV, Quattro Color, or something James Cameron produced...) (If you know me, or have read me (I write on occasion) you know I have a relationship with Jesus. If this in ANY WAY offends you, you are gonna want to find another blog to read. )
I talk to The Creator all day long...like a running commentary, so when someone says "PRAY FOR:...." I pretty much look to my right and say "Jesus...did you hear/see/read that? Man....I know you know, but I gotta make sure you know I know and that I care...and I worry...even though I shouldn't...thank you..." and the conversation continues....
To be perfectly honest, I do a whole lot of talking...not much listening. This week was a little different. My tone was a bit angry as I questioned why things happened the way they did this week. I yelled a bit, blamed a bit, questioned a lot and then do what I do with all the people I love, gave Him the cold shoulder....and drank a bit more wine than I should have...because I didn't really want to hear His answers then...and I didn't want to feel what I was feeling...
....and so when I crawled into bed, a bit loopy, I heard "We need to talk..."
"Tell you what....." I said wearily...."You wake me up in the morning before the alarm and we'll talk."
....because I hear my christian friends say He wakes them EVERY morning for *devotions*.
Then I shut my eyes, and went to sleep.
My alarm is set for 4:30am. I woke at 3am.
The atmosphere is always different when He is around. It is almost like a vacuum. There is no sound, no temperature. It is as if time stands still....
Me: "You have GOT to be kidding me." Him: "I am SO not kidding you."
I notice that I am completely alert. Wide awake. No residual buzz from the wine just hours before. Sober in every sense.
Me: "Thank You for taking care of Bill (my FIL)."
Silence.
Him: "Tell me how you feel."
Me: "I don't want to."
Him: "You always tell me how you feel. I hear your opinions constantly."
Me: "That's not what I mean. I don't want to FEEL."
Him: "You have to."
Me: "I am done."
I headed toward the shower, got the water going...really hot. I stepped in and just stood there...scalding.
Him: "You need to be Present."
What does that mean? Over the course of my morning rituals He showed me that being present is being Human. But being Human hurts. It hurts physically, it hurts emotionally. It is uncomfortable to be in the flesh, and so we try to escape it. We try to numb ourselves to it, or we fool ourselves with things that feel good so we won't feel bad. Eating, drinking, gambling, playing, etc. These things can disconnect us...can numb us.
Being Human truly is the Passion of the Christ. He was Spirit made flesh...how painful...and the Angels wonder after it! He understands because he wore the Skin Suit, too.....He did it out of PASSION...
Our lives are full of *passion*:
Families are passionate
Success is passionate
That first kiss is passionate
The last kiss is passionate
Marriage is passionate
Divorce is passionate
Laughter is passionate
Crying is passionate
...get the picture?
And Passion, by definition, is SUFFERING.
Have you every loved someone so much it hurt?
Been so angry your chest hurt?
Been so stressed your head hurt?
Been so in love you hurt (in a good way...or bad way)?
Childbirth hurts
Disease hurts
Death of a loved one hurts
Life is PASSIONATE.
and we feel it. Even when we'd rather not.
Him: "Just for today, be PRESENT. Feel compassion for everyone you see today. Take a GENUINE interest in their needs and condition. If you need help. Ask. I am already there."
That was the hardest day EVER. I was stubborn. I didn't want to feel the pain of those I saw that day. I didn't want to feel their joy. I wanted to be numb. And I chose to be, even in the presence of a Loving God.
Today I tried again.... to be as PRESENT as I could. I intentionally felt Joy. I intentionally laughed. I intentionally encouraged. I intentionally smiled...much to my husbands surprise and delight. I didn't let the Grumpies in my house hurt my feelings.. I just loved them through it, like SO MANY have done for me over the years....
I did have about 5 min. in WalMart where I got frustrated with a Sales Associate, but I recovered nicely...my husband was impressed!
It felt amazing.
I intend on having more days like today, because one day i won't have a choice.
