Life is a Fickle Bitch

It has been one hell of a week.

That is putting it mildly....and is heavily censored.

So I will try to blog about all that is going on.  I want to be eloquent. I want to be interesting. But I don't think I can be so I will just BLOG.

Mortality is a funny thing.  On a day to day basis we are pretty oblivious...or pretty good at ignoring it.  Because we are all mortal.  None of us are getting out alive.

But Life does throw us a reminder every once in awhile. She is fickle.  One day we are laughing, eating, drinking....


...the next day, not so much.

The day before yesterday my father-in-law had a heart attack.  Details I do not know.  I have not spoken to anyone in the family about it and I have not seen my father-in-law.  The in-laws are not what I would deem good *story tellers* .  I get the info from my husband..If he is happy with the details given him, I am happy.  I am learning to mind my own business, know my place and my rank of importance.....

I gotta say, this even scared the shit out of me.

My father-n-law.
Jock.
Coach.
Health enthusiast (well, as healthy as anyone in his generation can be...)

A heart attack.

Now I am gonna be 45 in April, so that means my FIL is pushing 70 if not a bit older...but this is what he looks like:

Well...maybe not exactly...but this is truly how I picture my FIL.  This is a picture of him a few years ago *grin*.

He had angioplasty done to correct a 100% blockage.  OMG.  
Three stents later, he is home *recovering*.

Don't worry...I won't step on my soapbox today about *recovering from heart disease*.  No one listens to me, anyway....

Personally I have rededicated myself to a Vegan lifestyle.  It ain't easy, but my kids are worth forsaking the standard American Diet:

....oh, and this guy, too:

A bus is gonna have to hit me to take me from them.  My parents died when I was 28 because  of "lifestyle" diseases....that's a nice way of saying Mommy smoked like a stressed out chimney and Daddy was an alcoholic....I mean let's be real here.....

I don't want Rick to lose his parents.
I know it is inevitable.
It is just scary. 
Mom-in-law has already had triple bypass...and now Dad is going through this.

NEXT UP......:


Here a couple of weeks ago a friend/member at Curves asked me:


"Gina, do you get along with your sisters?"


My response: "What day of the week is it?"


Seriously.


I then went on to tell her that through thick or thin, my sisters have ALWAYS come through for me.


Well, I had some *words* with my oldest sister this week...or really the end of last week.  Her immediate family is having some struggles, which are affecting the guest list to my daughters wedding.


Let's just call it *Momma Bear Syndrome*.


The conversation turned into a rehash of  crap that happened....are you ready for this...16 years ago!!!  Yeah....really important stuff.  It ended with me giving my sister our mother's wedding rings with an invitation to choke on them....LOL....oh, we put the FUNCTION in DYSFUNCTIONAL.  We have had narly fights before, but this was different.  Because after spending a day in bed, I woke with PEACE.  Not because I had hurt my sister's feelings, but because I truly released some shit when I gave those rings up.  It's all stuff anf it's all gonna burn.


I also apologized to her for my hurtful words today...via text...cuz I really need some distance still.  Call me chicken. That's ok... I think things will be fine.  As my brother wrote in his play When Forever Ends :   "Perry Your Heart."....it's a fencing term.


TODAY:


This morning while having my coffee I see on Facebook that a classmate has passed away.  The second this week.  Only this one took my breath away.....

I lept from my chair and said "OHMYGODOHMYGOD" and covered my face...like covering my face would make it go away.  I have done that since I was little. I hide my face in confrontation/fear/sadness....to make it go away. Rick knew it was serious and jumped up too.


"Rick Landis passed away."

Rick is in the Om tshirt

My Rick saw Rick 2-3 times a week.  He would always come home and tell me "I saw Rick today...he looks good!" or "I spoke with Rick's fiance today...." and then fill me in on their chats.  He commented on how happy they look and it was always so good to hear....

We then heard Rick, the happy/chatty man we knew, had taken his own life. 

Shocked. Confused.  Hurting for those who loved him.

I knew Rick and his brother Russ in school, but was actually close to his brother Randy.  Randy and I were really good friends in high school. Randy is a couple of years younger than me, so I always felt very protective of him. We shared a lot and I always felt privileged to be his friend.  After I graduated I married and only saw him a couple of times before life got *busy*.

So this mornings news had the effect on me it would have on anyone. I am carrying an emotional brick in my gut.  I don't know the details.  It isn't needful.

My thoughts are with Randy and the whole Landis family.  For Rick's beautiful fiance and his son Ricky. 

Life is a fickle bitch.  Or as the Hindus say "All is *Maya*"....all is illusion.  Because one day we are sitting on top of the world eating cake, and the next we a burying it.....

...and to my Christian friends, you can pray for me.  You know I need it.  But Buddy Jesus has heard all about it today, and believe it or not, He is big enough to hear the words "Fickle Bitch".

It's a tragedy.

It makes no sense.

...and as LAME as it sounds, I keep seeing the last scene of Lost...when they are all reunited...a homecoming if you will...and they all understand...and it makes sense on "the other side"....cuz it sure as hell does not make sense now....and I gotta say I am more than a little pissed off....

We hurt the ones we love. Intentionally.  Unintentionally.  Selfishly.

But at the time, it seems sane. It feels *right*. It is justified.

"I am gonna live MY life...."

"If I can't enjoy life, I don't want to live...."

"we all gotta die sometime...."

Fickle. Bitch.